Angry Mask, Broken Heart.

All We Need IS LOVE to Change the World.  God is Love and He loves You!!!
About 8 months ago I had been struggling with what I thought was anger.   It started off subtle but then developed into a full fledged volcano of emotions over flowing into many areas of my private and public life.  This was so not like me to not have it together in public or in arenas were my the "PR" me usually showed up and did what needed to be done and then the " RAW ME"  would go behind closed doors and let the anger flow.  I felt some shame with allowing this natural emotion to come out because I felt it was wrong or a sin to display such powerful distant for life, people, and circumstances around me.  I didn't know what to do with what was going on within me.    I sink into what I thought was a depression and tried to hold these feelings under containment until I could figure out what to do with them.    Time passed and the management of these emotions became less and less of a priority and the releasing of them by yelling whenever someone might have tapped a nerve was more the aim.    I felt so much better once I was able to release but the shame of my actions quickly dissipated any relief I might have receieved.  I must digress for a moment to share with you a relevant note.  I love to read! I collect books on all types of subjects to study in my free time.    I have lots of books in my library that I haven't  read but are there for me to pick up if I have some free time. Well I was in my office and I saw a book called Anger solutions.  I knew it was a sign for me to start dealing with the way I was expressing my anger.  One of the first things the book talked about was the shame we feel when expressing and feeling Anger.   Anger is a natural healthy emotion but what we do with it can make it unhealthy.   Do we outrage or enrage?  Do we let our anger stew and hurt ourselves or do we let it overflow like a volcano and consume everything in its path.  Well, none of these ways are healthy.  After carefully examination of my anger I realized that I was deeply wounded and hurt by the loss of my girls and ANGER was easier to express than the profound emptiness I was feeling.   I heard once that Hurt people Hurt people.  I was living that out in this season of my life.   Did I hurt people physically?  No, however words hurt and cut as deep as a knife. We can blow holes into each others hearts and minds with out picking up a physical weapon.   Words are powerful and Life or Death can come from ones mouth.  These are not my words but scripture.  I am not ashamed of the this season of my life because it has helped me see the power I have to either be a healer or a destroyer.   I choose healer and life.   Humility is important when we express our anger in ways that hurt others.   We need to go and apology and ask for forgiveness.   I also realized that Anger is not a sin and Jesus expressed anger in many situations in his life.   However, he did say be anger but sin not.  That is why we must know how to express this powerful emotion that was given us to bring about change in this world.  I now tell people I am MAD (Making A Difference) in the world around me.   If something irritates me at a level that I am Angry or MAD I need to do something positive to motivate change. "Be the Change You want To See In The World".  Many people in history Got MAD and were change makers (Jesus, Moses, Martin Luther of the Reformation, Ghandi, Mandela, Civil Rights Leaders, Women' Suffrage, MADD,  You and Me, and so on...)  

All in all I learn that the angry mask I was wearing was hiding a mother's broken heart.   I took that Broken Heart and Got MAD about senseless deaths due the lack of organs and tissues available for transplantation.    I have now channeled my energy into advocating for Donate Life and Lifebanc and any other organization that supports my mission.


Swift isn't always God's best.

Butterfly Brings Hope
As I approached the finish line after completing the 10k Lifebanc Gift of Life Walk and Run, I heard this quote in my head.  "The race is not given to the swift but to the one who endures to the end".  I remembered reading that for the first time in high school when I was in FCA (Fellow of Christian Athletes).  For those of you wondering no I wasn't an athlete however I just managed them (Wrestling team).  I remember the leader of the study talking about focusing on the means to the end not just getting to the end itself. What are we suppose to learn as we prepare to run the races set before us.  Is it to just win and move on or is it to learn something more profound about endurance and training. Last year this time I was dead set on getting a full Roux n Y gastric by-pass because I was tired of being fat and just wanted the weight off.  In my process of getting ready for the surgery I prayed and asked God for a green light.  Actually what I asked was is it your will that I get surgery for weight-loss.  After several weeks I felt comfortable that God was leading me down this path.   In my mind I was geek about being skinny and for the first time and finally experiencing life with a new perspective.  I was set and ready to undergo what would be a serious anatomical change to my body, not only in form but in function.  With this particular surgery I wouldn't be able to digest food the same one ever again.   I would have mal-absorption for the rest of my life. While this is a vital option for some people it wasn't what God wanted for me.   So in my last week before surgery there was a major hiccup in my plan and I didn't get approved for surgery.  I was angry, heart-broken,  and disappointed but still had hope.   I went into my "Proverbial" Prayer Closet and I asked God why would you provide greens lights about surgery to let this happen at the end of the process.   I waited for an answer in my quiet time but nothing.  I came back the next day persist to see where I missed the bus.   It was then I heard in my spirit "Roschelle you always ask my permission but you don't stick around to hear my process".  I was blow away by the clarity of this notion.   I don't stick around to hear his process?  What did God mean by this statement?  I probed more, by asking What do you mean?  "Roschelle you know I have a process behind all of my creations. When the sun rises you just see the beauty of the sky but I have laws that go forth to make that happen (Gravity, physics, etc) When you asked me about the surgery I did say yes but you didn't ask how, where, when, what type of surgery would be for you.  Its great that you come to me for permission or guidance but trust me that I also have a plan for the process."  I was blown away for the clarity and accuracy of the voice of God speaking to my spirit.   Well, I got the surgery done only a month later than originally planned and with a great surgery at a different hospital.   My recovery went well and I was able to go to the gym only one week after surgery.   I was thrilled to be on my way to being skinny!!  I was so focused on the outside of my body that I didn't even think about what God spoke to me next.   "You made a vow to complete the 10k in the Lifebanc Walk and Run from last year".   Wow how soon we forget the pledges we make to ourselves.   The year before I completed the 5k at my all time heaviest at 367lbs. and said to my girlfriends that I am going to do the 10k next year.   Well I guess I was going to complete  this goal because it must be apart of God's process for my new life.   I started sharing my goal with whoever would listen to it.   I recruited friends and family who would help me by supporting the mission of Lifebanc and coming out to walk with me.    I trained lightweight but I was determine to finish the race.   When Game time came I was set and ready to move.   I made great time during the first half of the course but when I got to the 5k finish line and the half way mark for the 10k I wanted to quit!  I started talking to God in my head.   I beat my time from last year in the 5k by almost 20mins.  I ran a good portions of that first part and I am really tired.   I was making excuses but God said you can do this.   Speak to your body and tell it you are going to do this.   I wasn't hearing it I was going to go and get some breakfast and call it a day until my girlfriend who we refer to as the HAMMER can trucking across the half way mark.   "Roschelle why are you stopped we got 5k more to do?"  I can't my legs are cramping and spasmodic I don't think I can finish. She came over and started to drag me down the course screaming along the way " You better tell your body that you can do this because I seen you do much more harder things than completing a 10k.  You woke up the day after your kids died.  You still find joy in life.  You give to people even when you do have.  Should I go on.... So stopped telling yourself you can't do this when you can."   I didn't believe her at that point I really just wanted to trip her.   But I kept trucking up the hill and and around the corner until I saw a beautiful butterfly land on a flower right in front of me.   Wow! This is my symbol for rebirth, my girls, and hope.    I thought to myself that this is a sign that I am going to make it to the finish line.   As I walked the rest of the course I saw a total of 5 little butterflies strategically place to give me hope until the end.   The volunteers were cleaning up and most of the people had packed up to leave but I completed my 10k in 1hr and 27mins.   I had friend waiting for me at the finish line cheering me on as I approach and that is when I heard "The race is not given to the swift but to the one who endures to the end".   This is the quote of my transformation and my recovery from all that life has dealt me over the past several years.  That if I just keep swimming like Dorry in Finding Nemo I will make it to my goals.   My goal is to be fit and healthy not just skinny.  I want to inspire people to not give up on themselves and to just keep swimming.  I want to show people that its never to late to take back control and the race isn't over until the former fat girl sings!!!!


per·se·vere through LIFE! 10k Lifebanc


to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.