I was 8.5 months into my weight loss journey from close to 400lbs down to 286 when I started filming for ABC Revolution. I had many people... well let me rephrase that a couple of "close" people ask Why I wanted to televise my personal battle with weight to the world? After I asked a few more clarification questions I finally arrived at the answer. "I want to give others like myself who have carried their pain on their bodies for others to judge some hope and inspiration." My weight problem wasn't about the scales in my bathroom. It was about the scales on my heart that was weighted down with pounds and pounds of JUNK! What most people don't realize who haven't struggled with weight is it isn't a lack of knowledge or willpower that "FAT" people lack. It is a lack of healing from the pain that is on the inside. The food is only a symptom of a bigger issue that was brewing on the inside of me. I choose food over many other substances or behaviors because it was want I knew best. I was raised in the church all my life and had come to know realize that Food was an acceptable way for much people to indulge in without the SHAME of SIN. I found that it is one of the most rampant drugs in many of our Faith communities. No ones is going to tell you that eating that fried chicken, donuts, coffee cake, or mac and cheese is going to send you to Hell but someone needed say that it will send you to an early grave.
HEALING COMES WHEN REALNESS IS WELCOME
During this process I recognized that I needed to focus on Overall Holistic Wellness vs Visible Change. Health and Wellness in every area of my life (Spiritual, Emotional, Physical, Physiological, Financial, Mental, Relationship). Simplified Weight-loss wasn't my goal it was a by product of my goal. My life had been out of balanced in so many areas that I needed to find that balance in order to maintain my lifestyle transformation. So my journey to Realness began. My quote in the past was fake it until you make it. Being Real wasn't Safe. I had many times where I attempted to let the real Roschelle come out but she wasn't received with love. I learned by experience that it wasn't safe and I needed safety. Safety is one of my top core longings. So began my disassociation with the real me and the Me that everyone else wanted me to become for them. The name for that is an EXTREME PEOPLE PLEASER. Well the weight became a physical and unconscious way of hiding. I built a wall of flesh around my inner self in an attempt to protect myself from pain. As you can tell by the photo below I was in some deep deep deep deep pain.
I look at my little people and said that I want to give them better than I am giving them now. I don't want to pass down a fat legacy to my girls. What I didn't know was I was going to have to give to myself love so I could teach my girls how to love themselves. You can't give what you don't have. I didn't have true love even though I was a Faith Filled person but my faith got very limited when it came to loving myself. (Another Time and another Blog "Freedom from Religious bondage into God's hands").
My weight representative my grief, abuse, lack of esteem, pain, etc. Once I got REALLY REAL about those issues Healing started. It wasn't just an AHA moment. It was and still is a process of transformation and Revelation. Discovering who I am by just being with I AM. Interestingly enough I found that the weight was coming off and I was changing from the inside out. I definitely wasn't as fast as I wanted but God wanted me to enjoy the process of BECOMING. That is where the true healing comes. Loving myself down the scale at every juncture was one of the keys to maintaining the weight this time. There are people who need to know that love isn't waiting for you when you reach a goal its there with you every step of the way towards that Goal. So stay tune to ABC Revolution and see what the process look like at the end of 5months of my journey. Lost 56 pounds on the show but a total of 170lbs overall.
