RUN FAT GIRL RUN!
Sometime we live in a place of ignorance and total DENIAL about ourselves and what God wants from us. I am discovering that all the things that I never want to examine about myself or my life are the very same things God keeps pushing to the forefront in my quite times. As I sat in my mom's group today one of the moms shared that she didn't want to give up something that God wanted from her. That she was struggling with this releasing of control. I found myself connecting so much with her internal struggle. I have found myself in the driver's seat of my own life but giving God the credit. It is kind of like he is my road buddy but I won't give him the wheel on certain routes. I hope I am making sense with my imaginary. I know I am suppose to release everything to God and have faith that things will go the right way but I still struggle with that process. Eventually, I do release the very thing that is asked of me but sometimes its a bit more convoluted than it should have been because I didn't release it to him initially. I am told many times that I am strong or I don't know how you get through the trials that you face. I always say its the God I serve and his Strength and Power. I sometimes feel like I am being fake because I do struggle with giving everything over to God and self sufficient part of me wants to keep just a little for myself. The truth is I have tried to handle my own stuff and it isn't pretty for the on lookers. I get impatient, cranky, snippy, snappy, lack grace, lose control and flat out drop the ball. I find myself thinking I should have given that over to God because I just royally messed up and now I don't know what to do. I hope I'm not alone in my personal failures or prideful pitfalls. I sometimes believe my own PR. You are so Strong. But I'm not. I'm so far from it and the truth is that its only by God's grace that I am still standing and in my right mind no matter how much I would like to think its a little me. It's not! The denial that I lived in was that I don't have to continue to grow and push beyond my comfort zones even in my weakest areas. Just because I am not naturally patience doesn't mean I can't be more patience than I was before. Just because I don't want to hear excuses that people give for not doing their jobs or giving their best 100% of the time doesn't mean I can't develop more Grace for them. I am truly learning how to love how God loves. He is placing me in situation after situation to chose to love instead of my standard Operating Procedure: SHUT DOWN the Opposition!
God gently nudges us toward change and show us through experiences what we need to change to grow and develop more into His image. We have to be open to receive his message and push away from the river of DENIAL to Grow into the ME God wants me to BE.