Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus || Spoken Word

Revolutionary Transformation.... The Best Is Yet To Come!

 For those of you who don’t know my back story here's the the reader’s digest version.   

I was raised in the house of a Southern Baptist Minister and grow up a to love the Lord with all my heart.   Got baptized at 5 by my father and have stayed Faithful to Christ since.  In my adult live had a pretty good life got married divorced and remarried and thought I was living a pretty good American Dream  “Cosby Style”.   You know the happy family that always appears to have it made in all situations, College educated, right backgrounds, upper middle class incomes and all the things that look good on the outside.  But Four and half years ago my life which was comfortable, predictable, and somewhat normal changed.  On December 1, 2007 my three daughters died in a house fire.    My world which seemed to me at the time to be great came crashing down.   I didn’t know how I would survived but I knew I couldn’t without God.    God spoke to me when I was contemplating  suicide on the way to Akron Children’s Hospital where my youngest daughter was hanging on for life.  I told God that if I lose all my children I will jump out of the car on the ride back to Cleveland and please  just let me die.  It was in this moment that He spoke a promise  that I have held onto since “ No devastation, no death in your life will ever out shine My glory in it.  Trust me and I will restore to you all that has taken.”     I can’t say that it was easy but I knew I had to trust Him.   

Many more tests and trials have happened over the past four years but God has been faithful to that promise.   I fought food addiction. I turned to food to deal with the grief, pain, abandonment and hurt after that loss and other struggles.   God was faithful to deliver me and  started to change me from the inside out.   Giving up my drug of choice was hard but necessary to completely depend on God for all my needs.    I struggled with a marriage that was unhealthy and wounding after the death of my daughters.   Let me just say that I wasn’t healed from my first marriage before I started this one and I attracted someone who was equally wounded as I.   God was faithful even in my disobedience once I turned to Him with a repentance heart and  still blessed and healed me despite choosing my own way.  God’s grace is truly AMAZING!
 
Throughout the past few years God was calling me into a deeper intimate relationship with HIM. An intimacy that would require me to stand“Naked and Unashamed” and walk with“transparency and authenticity” along side Him.  I honestly asked myself “how in the world am I going to live out this walk from today forward? Is it truly possible to be that authentic God?”  So I prayed as I usually do when faced with situations I don’t fully understand. "God you really want me to come out of hiding about my struggles and wounds? You mean I have to reveal things about myself that I'm not even ready to fully reveal in private... but your asking me to go public?"  It’s funny that the answer God predictably gives requires us moves us far from our comfort zone.  God’s growth plan is often uncomfortable, humbling, and at times down right painful.  Dying to one’s own way and Resurrecting us to His way is the primary goal.

The answer was clear to me after the rain had gone :).  To Come Out Of the Fat or Weights that held me back to become The Real Roschelle I needed be transparent during the process to achieve God’s seal of authenticity at the end. It meant I had to open up many of my scary closets  and exposing  those"proverbial demons"  to remove the power they had in the dark. (Fear of failure, Rejection, Perfectionism, Shame, Self-Hate/Doubt, lack of personal-esteem, people pleasing, Anxiety, Abused, Religious Judgment etc).   

I was always told growing up that there is placed in everyone a God Sized Dream that can only be accomplished with God.  Well my God Sized Dream is to help others who are still locked in their  personal closets of “Whatever” has or still is wounding them.  The truth is it doesn’t matter what you label it  you can’t heal what your not ready to reveal.  If I'm going to truly teach people to know that God's Grace is Greater than our Grief I must fully walk in that knowledge for myself. That has been the biggest step in my journey toward my God-Sized Dream and I thank God for the power and courage to do it.

On a lighter note I want to share with you a God Moment.

I belong to this awesome mom's group at Garfield Memorial Methodist Church, Pepper Pike Ohio that meets once a week for a bible study and its is completely life giving.   I love this group because I have found true authentic people who are working out their faith with transparency and humility.  There is an unspoken knowing that we are all here to support and encourage each other to grow in our faith without wounding each other in the process.  One of my favorite parts is when we go around and share how God has impacted us during the week or we just felt God's presence in clear way.    They are called God Moments.    These moments by no means have to be a burning bush experience or Peter's Walking on Water with Jesus either but its when you know that God was simply there.  I’ve had many  of these God moments over the last four year!

I would like to share just one of those with you as I end.  One morning last Spring I woke up before 5am and went on a 4 mile walk. I felt so refreshed from this walk and time of mediation with God  that as approached my house I slowed down to savory more time in His presence.     When I  reached the edge of my front lawn I stood there and just stared at the house.   My intent of staring was to conjure up memories of the structure before the fire and during the rebuilding process.  I stood there for almost a half hour and couldn't remember what it look like before or during the rebuilding process.  I could only see it for what it was now a beautiful home.   I felt a knowing deep in my spirit this "That is what I am doing with you."   WOW!  God you are making me into a new creation and the old is going away and the new is here.  "I am moving forward from today towards an Authentic (Public, Private, Spiritual) Life even if it means I do it afraid."    God Thank you for letting the old Roschelle Died once again and resurrecting a NEW CREATURE in your IMAGE for Your Glory.

The Art of Authenticity

 

If you would have asked me 10 yrs old was I living an Authentic life I would have said Absolutely!  If you would have asked me two weeks ago I would have given you the same answer.  However, something has changed in my life that has caused me to re-evaluate my answer to that question.  What has changed?  Well I actually looked up the definition of the words Authentic and Authenticity.   This is what I found:

Definition:	genuineness
Synonyms:	accuracy, correctness, credibility, dependability, factualness, legitimacy, purity, realness, reliability, trustworthiness, truthfulness, validity, veritableness

Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition
Copyright © 2012 by the Philip Lief Group.

Well the truth is I don't fully meet any of these adjectives.  I'm not always dependable because I'm late or I don't check schedules and I drop the ball on commitments.  I have lied by omission. (A lie is a lie even if it is by omission.)  (An Example about me lying about my weight) I found myself recently in a situation where I didn't realize that one small untruth would actually be compounded over time and end up being bigger than I thought so I came clean and by doing so lost credibility which is the by product of untruthfulness. After thinking about these situations I knew I wanted to obtain this thing called Authenticity.

 

I "really" began to ask myself how do I live out this in my life from today and that terrified me.  So I prayed as I normally do when faced with life's situations. "God you really want me to come out of hiding about my struggles and demons? You mean I have to reveal things about myself that I'm not even ready to reveal to myself in private... but now publicly?"  Its funny that the answer God always gives us usually makes us  more uncomfortable because growth is often uncomfortable, humbling, and at times down right painful. To become the Real Roschelle I needed have an authentic process in order to achieve authenticity at the end. It meant me opening up about a lot of stuff that I wasn't ready to face or at the least be "Genuine" about.  It meant exposing a lot of "proverbial demons"  and removing the power that they had when they were hidden. (Fear, Shame, Self Doubt, low self esteem, pride, people pleasing, etc)  If I'm going to truly help people  know that God's Grace is the way I must start walking in that knowledge for myself. That's been the biggest step in my journey.   Thank you God for the courage to do it.





The 1st area of living out true Authenticity: From People-Esteem or Self-Esteem to God-Esteem.  

I have lived most of my life caring more about people's opinions  and wanting their approval that it caused me alter my values and compromise myself (values, morals, standards, etc).  It still has been a  huge crutch for me wondering about others thought about me because I "needed" that reassurance to feel ok or valued.  It is still a fight within me to push past that need of others people's approval for me to know that I'm  whole and complete.  A good girlfriend  shared with something from the Big Book in AA " That its none of your business what others think of you." Its only your business to live what you think about yourself."  Easier said than Done :).   So I project this strong black nothing can stop me because I'm "Super Buppie" (Black Young Urban Professional) or "Huxtable" image.  When I still struggle with image of  everything looking like "Cosby Show" on the outside when it feels more like "The Roseanne Show" on the inside.  

I like metaphors so bear with me as I explain in-depth.   I've always known that I had this three staging areas of my life. The Front stage, Backstage, and Innermost stage.  The front-stage curtains are drawn so no one could really see the mess I was keeping in  the back staging area.  This is where I lived 80% of my life.  Really concerned about the Front to keep people from snooping too close to those ropes that would pull the curtains open on my insecurities and normal life mess. 

Then my Backstage is like that junk closet in your house where you throw everything in it that you don't have the time to get rid of or sort out.  It is the door your afraid a guest will open and get hit by the loads of stuff that might fall on them.   (I hope I'm explaining this and not confusing you with my imagery.. darn there I go with that self-doubt thing again.   I digressed.) When I would find the courage to open up this area of my life to others some people only wanted to come and view to spread to others about my mess.  Some people would see my junk and jump in there to assist in the clean up and let me know that I wasn't alone in the mess.  What were some of the messes or as I called them "My Hot Messes": self doubt, marital problems, weight struggles, grief, shame, fear, sexual abuse survivor, in-laws or out-law issues etc.)  

Then there is my Innermost stage. This space is only big enough for me and God.  There is no room for any of my coverings or baggage.  Its just me "Naked" before God.  It is in this place that I found myself a few weeks ago when I knew I had to start living a truly Authentic life.  Not just before God but before the world everyday.  This is when I truly moved from People-Esteem or Self-Esteem, and stepped into God-Esteem.  


I have to be truthful that I sometimes feel like I'm Faking it or Portraying a"Pseudo" version of this God Esteem on occasions because my "Emotions and Feelings" don't match the "Truth or Knowledge" I've obtain.  Where I know the biblical principles or versus and can quote them I have yet to experience the feeling or emotion of that principle. I'm waiting for the feelings to match my knowledge.   "I am moving forward from today towards an Authentic (Public, Private, Spiritual) Life even if it means I do it afraid."