The Art of Authenticity

 

If you would have asked me 10 yrs old was I living an Authentic life I would have said Absolutely!  If you would have asked me two weeks ago I would have given you the same answer.  However, something has changed in my life that has caused me to re-evaluate my answer to that question.  What has changed?  Well I actually looked up the definition of the words Authentic and Authenticity.   This is what I found:

Definition:	genuineness
Synonyms:	accuracy, correctness, credibility, dependability, factualness, legitimacy, purity, realness, reliability, trustworthiness, truthfulness, validity, veritableness

Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition
Copyright © 2012 by the Philip Lief Group.

Well the truth is I don't fully meet any of these adjectives.  I'm not always dependable because I'm late or I don't check schedules and I drop the ball on commitments.  I have lied by omission. (A lie is a lie even if it is by omission.)  (An Example about me lying about my weight) I found myself recently in a situation where I didn't realize that one small untruth would actually be compounded over time and end up being bigger than I thought so I came clean and by doing so lost credibility which is the by product of untruthfulness. After thinking about these situations I knew I wanted to obtain this thing called Authenticity.

 

I "really" began to ask myself how do I live out this in my life from today and that terrified me.  So I prayed as I normally do when faced with life's situations. "God you really want me to come out of hiding about my struggles and demons? You mean I have to reveal things about myself that I'm not even ready to reveal to myself in private... but now publicly?"  Its funny that the answer God always gives us usually makes us  more uncomfortable because growth is often uncomfortable, humbling, and at times down right painful. To become the Real Roschelle I needed have an authentic process in order to achieve authenticity at the end. It meant me opening up about a lot of stuff that I wasn't ready to face or at the least be "Genuine" about.  It meant exposing a lot of "proverbial demons"  and removing the power that they had when they were hidden. (Fear, Shame, Self Doubt, low self esteem, pride, people pleasing, etc)  If I'm going to truly help people  know that God's Grace is the way I must start walking in that knowledge for myself. That's been the biggest step in my journey.   Thank you God for the courage to do it.





The 1st area of living out true Authenticity: From People-Esteem or Self-Esteem to God-Esteem.  

I have lived most of my life caring more about people's opinions  and wanting their approval that it caused me alter my values and compromise myself (values, morals, standards, etc).  It still has been a  huge crutch for me wondering about others thought about me because I "needed" that reassurance to feel ok or valued.  It is still a fight within me to push past that need of others people's approval for me to know that I'm  whole and complete.  A good girlfriend  shared with something from the Big Book in AA " That its none of your business what others think of you." Its only your business to live what you think about yourself."  Easier said than Done :).   So I project this strong black nothing can stop me because I'm "Super Buppie" (Black Young Urban Professional) or "Huxtable" image.  When I still struggle with image of  everything looking like "Cosby Show" on the outside when it feels more like "The Roseanne Show" on the inside.  

I like metaphors so bear with me as I explain in-depth.   I've always known that I had this three staging areas of my life. The Front stage, Backstage, and Innermost stage.  The front-stage curtains are drawn so no one could really see the mess I was keeping in  the back staging area.  This is where I lived 80% of my life.  Really concerned about the Front to keep people from snooping too close to those ropes that would pull the curtains open on my insecurities and normal life mess. 

Then my Backstage is like that junk closet in your house where you throw everything in it that you don't have the time to get rid of or sort out.  It is the door your afraid a guest will open and get hit by the loads of stuff that might fall on them.   (I hope I'm explaining this and not confusing you with my imagery.. darn there I go with that self-doubt thing again.   I digressed.) When I would find the courage to open up this area of my life to others some people only wanted to come and view to spread to others about my mess.  Some people would see my junk and jump in there to assist in the clean up and let me know that I wasn't alone in the mess.  What were some of the messes or as I called them "My Hot Messes": self doubt, marital problems, weight struggles, grief, shame, fear, sexual abuse survivor, in-laws or out-law issues etc.)  

Then there is my Innermost stage. This space is only big enough for me and God.  There is no room for any of my coverings or baggage.  Its just me "Naked" before God.  It is in this place that I found myself a few weeks ago when I knew I had to start living a truly Authentic life.  Not just before God but before the world everyday.  This is when I truly moved from People-Esteem or Self-Esteem, and stepped into God-Esteem.  


I have to be truthful that I sometimes feel like I'm Faking it or Portraying a"Pseudo" version of this God Esteem on occasions because my "Emotions and Feelings" don't match the "Truth or Knowledge" I've obtain.  Where I know the biblical principles or versus and can quote them I have yet to experience the feeling or emotion of that principle. I'm waiting for the feelings to match my knowledge.   "I am moving forward from today towards an Authentic (Public, Private, Spiritual) Life even if it means I do it afraid."  

God Moments

I belong to this awesome mom's group that meets once a week for a bible study and its is life giving.   I love this group this where I find true authentic people who are working out their faith with transparency and humility.  One of my favorite moments is when we go around and share how God has impacted us during the week or we just felt God's presence.    These are called God Moments.    They don't have to be a burning bush experience or Peter's Walking on Water with Jesus either but its when you know that God was there.  Today I had a day filled with God moments!

I woke early in the morning and went for a 4 mile walk and I felt so refreshed when I got back home.    When I was approaching my home I stood there looking at the structure.   I was trying to remember what it look like before the fire and to envision the process of rebuilding.   I couldn't remember what it look like before or the rebuilding process.  I could only see it for what it was now a beautiful home.   I heard deep in my spirit this "That is what I am doing with you."   WOW!  God you are making me into a new creation and the old is going away and the new is here.  That was my first God moment today.


My second God moment came when I was cleaning out a closet and trying to donate items.   I discovered a box filled with photos.   They were covered in shoot and throw in a brown paper bag.  As I started to look through them I realized that they were Imose's baby photos. Amazing pick me up to know that those didn't get destroyed in the Fire.

My Fundraising Page

RUN FAT GIRL RUN!

"THE NILE" isn't a River in Eygpt.

Sometime we live in a place of ignorance and total DENIAL about ourselves and what God wants from us.   I am discovering that all the things that I never want to examine about myself or my life are the very same things God keeps pushing to the forefront in my quite times.  As I sat in my mom's group today one of the moms shared that she didn't want to give up something that God wanted from her.  That she was struggling with this releasing of control.  I found myself connecting so much with her  internal struggle.  I have found myself in the driver's seat of my own life but giving God the credit.  It is kind of like he is my road buddy but I won't give him the wheel on certain routes.  I hope I am making sense with my imaginary.    I know I am suppose to release everything to God and have faith that things will go the right way but I still struggle with that process.   Eventually, I do release the very thing that is asked of me but sometimes its a bit more convoluted than it should have been because I didn't release it to him initially.  I am told many times that I am strong or I don't know how you get through the trials that you face.   I always say its the God I serve and his Strength and Power.   I sometimes feel like I am being fake because I do struggle with giving everything over to God and self sufficient part of me wants to keep just a little for myself.   The truth is I have tried to handle my own stuff and it isn't pretty for the on lookers.   I get impatient, cranky, snippy, snappy, lack grace, lose control and flat out drop the ball.   I find myself thinking I should have given that over to God because I just royally messed up and now I don't know what to do.   I hope I'm not alone in my personal failures or prideful pitfalls.   I sometimes believe my own PR.  You are so Strong.  But I'm not.  I'm so far from it and the truth is that its only by God's grace that I am still standing and in my right mind no matter how much I would like to think its  a little me.   It's not!  The denial that I lived in was that I don't have to continue to grow and push beyond my comfort zones even in my weakest areas.   Just because I am not naturally patience doesn't mean I can't be more patience than I was before.   Just because I don't want to hear excuses that people give for not doing their jobs or giving their best 100% of the time doesn't mean I can't develop more Grace for them.   I am truly learning how to love how God loves.   He is placing me in situation after situation to chose to love instead of my standard Operating Procedure: SHUT DOWN the Opposition!
God gently nudges us toward change and show us through experiences what we need to change to grow and develop more into His image.   We have to be open to receive his message and push away from the river of DENIAL to Grow into the ME God wants me to BE. 

R.Ogbuji

Angry Mask, Broken Heart.

All We Need IS LOVE to Change the World.  God is Love and He loves You!!!

About 8 months ago I had been struggling with what I thought was anger.   It started off subtle but then developed into a full fledged volcano of emotions over flowing into many areas of my private and public life.  This was so not like me to not have it together in public or in arenas were my the "PR" me usually showed up and did what needed to be done and then the " RAW ME"  would go behind closed doors and let the anger flow.  I felt some shame with allowing this natural emotion to come out because I felt it was wrong or a sin to display such powerful distant for life, people, and circumstances around me.  I didn't know what to do with what was going on within me.    I sink into what I thought was a depression and tried to hold these feelings under containment until I could figure out what to do with them.    Time passed and the management of these emotions became less and less of a priority and the releasing of them by yelling whenever someone might have tapped a nerve was more the aim.    I felt so much better once I was able to release but the shame of my actions quickly dissipated any relief I might have receieved.  I must digress for a moment to share with you a relevant note.  I love to read! I collect books on all types of subjects to study in my free time.    I have lots of books in my library that I haven't  read but are there for me to pick up if I have some free time. Well I was in my office and I saw a book called Anger solutions.  I knew it was a sign for me to start dealing with the way I was expressing my anger.  One of the first things the book talked about was the shame we feel when expressing and feeling Anger.   Anger is a natural healthy emotion but what we do with it can make it unhealthy.   Do we outrage or enrage?  Do we let our anger stew and hurt ourselves or do we let it overflow like a volcano and consume everything in its path.  Well, none of these ways are healthy.  After carefully examination of my anger I realized that I was deeply wounded and hurt by the loss of my girls and ANGER was easier to express than the profound emptiness I was feeling.   I heard once that Hurt people Hurt people.  I was living that out in this season of my life.   Did I hurt people physically?  No, however words hurt and cut as deep as a knife. We can blow holes into each others hearts and minds with out picking up a physical weapon.   Words are powerful and Life or Death can come from ones mouth.  These are not my words but scripture.  I am not ashamed of the this season of my life because it has helped me see the power I have to either be a healer or a destroyer.   I choose healer and life.   Humility is important when we express our anger in ways that hurt others.   We need to go and apology and ask for forgiveness.   I also realized that Anger is not a sin and Jesus expressed anger in many situations in his life.   However, he did say be anger but sin not.  That is why we must know how to express this powerful emotion that was given us to bring about change in this world.  I now tell people I am MAD (Making A Difference) in the world around me.   If something irritates me at a level that I am Angry or MAD I need to do something positive to motivate change. "Be the Change You want To See In The World".  Many people in history Got MAD and were change makers (Jesus, Moses, Martin Luther of the Reformation, Ghandi, Mandela, Civil Rights Leaders, Women' Suffrage, MADD,  You and Me, and so on...)  

All in all I learn that the angry mask I was wearing was hiding a mother's broken heart.   I took that Broken Heart and Got MAD about senseless deaths due the lack of organs and tissues available for transplantation.    I have now channeled my energy into advocating for Donate Life and Lifebanc and any other organization that supports my mission.

Swift isn't always God's best.

Butterfly Brings Hope

As I approached the finish line after completing the 10k Lifebanc Gift of Life Walk and Run, I heard this quote in my head.  "The race is not given to the swift but to the one who endures to the end".  I remembered reading that for the first time in high school when I was in FCA (Fellow of Christian Athletes).  For those of you wondering no I wasn't an athlete however I just managed them (Wrestling team).  I remember the leader of the study talking about focusing on the means to the end not just getting to the end itself. What are we suppose to learn as we prepare to run the races set before us.  Is it to just win and move on or is it to learn something more profound about endurance and training. Last year this time I was dead set on getting a full Roux n Y gastric by-pass because I was tired of being fat and just wanted the weight off.  In my process of getting ready for the surgery I prayed and asked God for a green light.  Actually what I asked was is it your will that I get surgery for weight-loss.  After several weeks I felt comfortable that God was leading me down this path.   In my mind I was geek about being skinny and for the first time and finally experiencing life with a new perspective.  I was set and ready to undergo what would be a serious anatomical change to my body, not only in form but in function.  With this particular surgery I wouldn't be able to digest food the same one ever again.   I would have mal-absorption for the rest of my life. While this is a vital option for some people it wasn't what God wanted for me.   So in my last week before surgery there was a major hiccup in my plan and I didn't get approved for surgery.  I was angry, heart-broken,  and disappointed but still had hope.   I went into my "Proverbial" Prayer Closet and I asked God why would you provide greens lights about surgery to let this happen at the end of the process.   I waited for an answer in my quiet time but nothing.  I came back the next day persist to see where I missed the bus.   It was then I heard in my spirit "Roschelle you always ask my permission but you don't stick around to hear my process".  I was blow away by the clarity of this notion.   I don't stick around to hear his process?  What did God mean by this statement?  I probed more, by asking What do you mean?  "Roschelle you know I have a process behind all of my creations. When the sun rises you just see the beauty of the sky but I have laws that go forth to make that happen (Gravity, physics, etc) When you asked me about the surgery I did say yes but you didn't ask how, where, when, what type of surgery would be for you.  Its great that you come to me for permission or guidance but trust me that I also have a plan for the process."  I was blown away for the clarity and accuracy of the voice of God speaking to my spirit.   Well, I got the surgery done only a month later than originally planned and with a great surgery at a different hospital.   My recovery went well and I was able to go to the gym only one week after surgery.   I was thrilled to be on my way to being skinny!!  I was so focused on the outside of my body that I didn't even think about what God spoke to me next.   "You made a vow to complete the 10k in the Lifebanc Walk and Run from last year".   Wow how soon we forget the pledges we make to ourselves.   The year before I completed the 5k at my all time heaviest at 367lbs. and said to my girlfriends that I am going to do the 10k next year.   Well I guess I was going to complete  this goal because it must be apart of God's process for my new life.   I started sharing my goal with whoever would listen to it.   I recruited friends and family who would help me by supporting the mission of Lifebanc and coming out to walk with me.    I trained lightweight but I was determine to finish the race.   When Game time came I was set and ready to move.   I made great time during the first half of the course but when I got to the 5k finish line and the half way mark for the 10k I wanted to quit!  I started talking to God in my head.   I beat my time from last year in the 5k by almost 20mins.  I ran a good portions of that first part and I am really tired.   I was making excuses but God said you can do this.   Speak to your body and tell it you are going to do this.   I wasn't hearing it I was going to go and get some breakfast and call it a day until my girlfriend who we refer to as the HAMMER can trucking across the half way mark.   "Roschelle why are you stopped we got 5k more to do?"  I can't my legs are cramping and spasmodic I don't think I can finish. She came over and started to drag me down the course screaming along the way " You better tell your body that you can do this because I seen you do much more harder things than completing a 10k.  You woke up the day after your kids died.  You still find joy in life.  You give to people even when you do have.  Should I go on.... So stopped telling yourself you can't do this when you can."   I didn't believe her at that point I really just wanted to trip her.   But I kept trucking up the hill and and around the corner until I saw a beautiful butterfly land on a flower right in front of me.   Wow! This is my symbol for rebirth, my girls, and hope.    I thought to myself that this is a sign that I am going to make it to the finish line.   As I walked the rest of the course I saw a total of 5 little butterflies strategically place to give me hope until the end.   The volunteers were cleaning up and most of the people had packed up to leave but I completed my 10k in 1hr and 27mins.   I had friend waiting for me at the finish line cheering me on as I approach and that is when I heard "The race is not given to the swift but to the one who endures to the end".   This is the quote of my transformation and my recovery from all that life has dealt me over the past several years.  That if I just keep swimming like Dorry in Finding Nemo I will make it to my goals.   My goal is to be fit and healthy not just skinny.  I want to inspire people to not give up on themselves and to just keep swimming.  I want to show people that its never to late to take back control and the race isn't over until the former fat girl sings!!!!

per·se·vere through LIFE! 10k Lifebanc

per·se·vere

to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.

 

 

Passion equates to purpose: Happy Birthday Mandela!

Today was Nelson Mandela's birthday and he asked for each person to take 67mins and do something purposeful for another person or cause.    If each of us did this everyday what a wonderful world we would  have.  

Friends or an Entrouage?

Several months ago I began to reflect on the many relationships in my life.  I didn't really see myself as being a person having lots of friends but one who had many people around me. However my husband differed and stated that I had lots of friends and he wished that he could have that as well.  I couldn't find the words to explain to him the difference of being a person who attracts people and a person who has developed deep connected relationships.   Friendships take time and emotional energy to develop and the ability to be vulnerable.  As I was preparing for my quiet time that evening  I felt a question tug at my heart.   Do you truly have lots of friends or do you have associates?  Can you tell the difference between the two ?  Are the people who are your friends depositing into your life as much as you are deposited into theirs? Are your relationships balanced and based on a mutual love and respect for one another?  Do they have God as the center of their lives? Can you see the strategic purpose behind why God has placed you in their lives or vice versa?   I was blown away by the directness of this pondering.   I had not thought about the nature of my friendships or the impact they might have on my spiritually well-being.   I had to really think and look at my life and see the many different people God has strategically place in my sphere of influence and social circle.  I have people in my life that are here to add to my life with their experiences so I don't have to make the same mistakes and could learn from their wisdom.  I have people in my life so I can provide a certain perspective for them so they don't have to experience some things.  However, majority of my deep relationships are anchored in one thing... A unwavering love for God.    It is the essence of who I am and whom I'm around.   The thing that attracts people to me is the deep seated love and light that shines through me from God.    I realized that instead of focusing on the amount of people I have in my life and what we are doing for one another, I would focus on God's purpose for us in each others' lives.   I can be a bit sensitive if I feel rejected because I don't fit into a perfectly labeled social cast.    I have yet to find one group that I don't stick out in like hot pink and black plaid in a beige room.  This bothered me during my adolescent year and throughout most my young adult life until just recently. Actually its only been the last four years that I can truly say I am pretty comfortable in my own skin.   I really got to a point that the only thing that mattered was that I was truly "Accepted in the Beloved".   That God loves me and uniquely created me with all my quirks. (BOLD, Talks a bit much, finds humor in the simplest of things, non-pretentious, spontaneous, a bit OCD,  book nerd, and a total unapologetic compassionate Jesus Freak!)  It really doesn't seem flattering if you just look at those words written across a page but when you see someone living life like this, it brings to life the scripture in Jeremiah about being "Fearfully and wonderfully made."  I think before we truly examine the outside relationships in our life we must come to terms with our relationship ourselves and God.   If we don't find the value in who we were created to be then how can we expect others to do the same.   Once those questions were answered for me then all my other relationships fell into place.  


A few Photos that represent the uniqueness of Roschelle D. Ogbuji

Donate Life Hollywood Inspire Awards photos